Thought for the Day... Month... Year.

An impulse buy at Hallmark yesterday when I went to buy a card for Paige...   I love Peanuts - reminds me of when I was little!  And this saying has been my mantra, and now it is right here in my office, to help me keep remembering this.  Life is not "going" to be be better, there's no magic formula, or location, or future trip, or whatever that will be the "end all be all" to my happiness.  I'm happy, here and now, with what I have. 

Saturday morning and a post in which I catch up on the past couple of weeks...

Who knew just getting up on a Saturday morning, in which I really have nothing big going on, could be so exciting?   I'm just a little giddy this morning -  perhaps in part to my second cup of coffee, I don't know.  But really, it has been two very looonnnngggg weeks at work, and so nice to  have two days at home,  just to get some things done.   I know Jace will sleep in until 10 or so, and my morning started at 7AM, with some coffee and music.  Much of my plan for the day involved outside activities - early morning brisk walk, then perhaps taking some photos (practicing on the aperture settings on my camera) trimming hedges on the side of the house, and also painting the remainder of the front steps.  But I woke up to the sound of rain outside, and it is a cool 53 degrees.  So I'm inside, getting some of the other things done.


Another reason to be so giddy?  I have been working on my bills and I think this is my "extra" paycheck, so I will be able to put a large chunk towards my small remaining credit card balance AND also buy a pair of boots that I've had my eye on... a woman has to have priorities, people!   I have done pretty well on the bills since Dave and I split, I think.  Given that my previous method of budgeting (before "the Daves" - Dave Ramsey, and my Dave) was at times fairly haphazard, this is a big change.  It really was so nice to have him in charge of all of the finances, and I knew what  my allotted money was for each paycheck, and also all the other budget categories if I needed to buy anything for the house, etc. I definitely was spoiled with that - I hate numbers.  If it came as easily to me as grammar and spelling, I'd be home free.  But numbers - what a struggle.


So I have to make SURE this is my extra check, and that I will be on track to pay bills timely if I shift things to the next paycheck... part of me really just wanted to email Dave and ASK him (because I know he could easily look and tell me - he was always so on top of everything, a spreadsheet for every frickin' thing) but I thought "No, I don't need to do that - I can figure it out myself!"... and I can.


I signed the papers for our divorce this week - we agreed on everything, and there is really only one item that we will have to jointly pay off.  So we used the same attorney, and I went on Thursday to sign the papers.  Dave will sign them when he is in next week, and then they'll be filed, and it will be a 30 day waiting period.  It was a rough week, we had an email exchange on Monday that turned ugly on both sides, and I spent the better part of an hour crying in my office.  But we did resolve it, and both of us apologized, and will move on.  I don't think we will be friends in the near future, because there are still a lot of emotions - but I hope eventually we will be.  I know we both care very much what happens to the other, and want each other to be happy. 


We are meeting on Tuesday at the bank to separate accounts, and to take care of a couple of other financial things - it will be the second time I've seen him in two months, and the first time for any extended period of time.  Part of me is worried about it - how I will feel, if I will cry, etc.  But then I also know that this is what needs to happen, to move on.  I made the comment to him this week that I've been trying so hard the last two months to convince myself that "I'm okay", but the thing I am starting to realize is that I'm not going to just be able to pick up and go on like I'm not changed by all of this, because I am.  And I need to honor that, and just figure out how to be okay with NOT being okay for awhile.


So, moving on.  And there has been lots to keep me busy -  some work, some fun.

• Work -  I'm still really liking my job after a year, and actually starting to feel like I KNOW what I'm doing.  I just had a manager of one of my clinics take another job and leave, so I have been extra busy with her clinic.  It is probably my most "high maintenance" clinic, so the docs there are emailing me often, with drama, issues, questions, etc.  Has made for a FUN couple of weeks.
• The Lake - I've missed the lake!  I still have the fortune on my fridge from a few weeks before Dave and I split up... "Boats and water are in your future" - yes, they are, that is one thing that I will have again, at some point, a boat.  I headed down to spend the latter part of Labor Day weekend with friends Jana and Chris, on their boat... it was chilly that Sunday, but so nice to be out on the lake, with the brisk breeze, the sun and some good friends.
• Greater Ozarks Blues Fest last weekend - my cousin Krista came up from PB with her hubby, and they stayed with me Friday and Saturday night.  Soooo much fun on Saturday, we went to the Japanese Festival at Nathanael Greene Park, and then came home to change clothes (it was warmer out than we had anticipated) and just sat on the back deck enjoying a beer and the fall breeze.  Then we headed to the Blues fest about 2pm, enjoyed a beautiful day, even with some rain.  Will have to post some pics of our day.
• My new camera - I bought a DSLR about three months ago, and I love it!  Have taken a couple of classes at the store where I bought it, and getting ready to take a 8-week class at the community college. 
• Jace -  He's back in the swing of things for school, and playing fall ball... I wish he was more conscientious about checking and doing homework every night, but he does okay.  I have to remember he is a 13-year-old boy, and some of this is just par for the course.
• New technology - I am now an iPhone user - bought a slider Blackberry about three months ago, and it performed horribly - slider screen broke, and just generally did not hold up well.  I did love the touch screen, though, and after a brief , very unsatisfying stint with a former Blackberry model I threw in the towel and bought an iPhone 4.  I have to say, I still hate typing on it after two weeks- I liked the tactile keys of the Blackberry... but I do love all of the apps, AND the best part?  The music - it is ON MY PHONE.  How nice is that.... for a music person like I am, to have it all on one device is fabulous.  Wish I had done it sooner.  Have been listening to Pandora on my iPhone all morning, as I sit here and work on the computer.  Sweet!  (Yes. I know I am full of ALL CAPS and "!" this morning, and it is annoying, but I'm just happy to be in that kind of mood!)
• Friends - Thank goodness for my friends.  Gail, Laura, Jana, and some other old and new friends.  One person from my office is also single, and she and I have enjoyed a couple of happy hours after work.  Another friend of Laura's is also going through a divorce, similar situation to mine - he and his wife split up about a month after Dave and I, so it has been good to hang out with him over the past couple of weeks... someone experiencing some of the same feelings that I am, it is good to just be able to talk.

Ok, Jace is up, and there's laundry to be done (Jace) and bathrooms to be cleaned (me).  Off to get some things accomplished on this rainy but wonderful Saturday!

Grandpa's Big Day

Last Friday morning I had the pleasure of traveling to Poplar Bluff to see my grandfather honored for his service as chairperson for the Highway 67 expansion project in southeast Missouri.   It was quite the celebration, and there were plenty of photo opportunities to get Grandpa "in action" - accepting his commendation, speaking with State Rep Joann Emerson and other local and state officials.  But my very favorite shot of him was one that I captured "on the sly", walking up beside him as he sat on the stage listening to the other speakers:

Grandpa was featured in their hometown paper the Sunday previous to the celebration.  The opening paragraph of the article read:

"Tom Lawson, who was born in 1932 on a farm two and one-half miles southeast of Neelyville, Mo., remembers when U.S. 67 was a "narrow, crooked road" during his childhood.  He had no idea he would be one of the leaders in the effort to get 50 miles of Highway 67 four-laned north of Poplar Bluff, Mo.  He was instrumental in the campaign to convince Poplar Bluff residents to approve a half cent sales tax for Highway 67 on April 5, 2005."

"...Completion of the $180 million project "16 months early and under budget" will be celebrated August 26th, which will be proclaimed Tom Lawson Day by Poplar Bluff Mayor Ed DeGaris."

Grandpa has always been a "do-er" - he knows how to get things done, and isn't afraid to put the hard work in to make something happen. When my dad and stepmother first met and married back in the early 80's, Grandpa was the superintendent of one of the largest school districts in St. Louis. After he retired about 3-4 years later, he and Grandmother moved down to Poplar Bluff to be closer to both of their parents.  But he was not content to stay retired, and instead accepted the position of the city manager of Poplar Bluff, a position he held from 1991 until his second retirement in 2003.

I knew he had been working on this project for some time, and had heard him and Grandmother talk about meetings, etc., but I had no idea of the amount of time or effort he had put in over the last six years, to see this project come to fruition.


Hwy 67 Ribbon Cutting with State Rep Joann Emerson

 He has been the chair of the project since 2005, and now I realize more about why there were times that he and Grandmother made a quick trip to St. Clair for holidays and other visits, but needed to get back to PB.  I was so proud to be able to hear all of the people who spoke before him, talking about the Hwy 67 project, the collaboration between MODOT and the Hwy 67 Corporation and others - and the job that Grandpa did in bringing it all together.  Of course he was very humble, as he always is, and made sure that he mentioned many of those who were involved in big and small ways - taking the focus off of himself.

I know my siblings would have really liked to be there as well; but since it was a Friday and a long drive for many of them, I was happy to join Dad and Mom, and "represent all the grandkids", as Tara said!  Congratulations, Grandpa!  We love you!

"Don't touch that dial!"... what dial?

This is one of my favorite things to write about every year!  The annual Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2015 just came out - here's the link with the full list, and the couple paragraphs below are the intro from this year's website/list:


"This year’s entering college class of 2015 was born just as the Internet took everyone onto the information highway and as Amazon began its relentless flow of books and everything else into their lives. Members of this year’s freshman class, most of them born in 1993, are the first generation to grow up taking the word “online” for granted and for whom crossing the digital divide has redefined research, original sources and access to information, changing the central experiences and methods in their lives. They have come of age as women assumed command of U.S. Navy ships, altar girls served routinely at Catholic Mass, and when everything from parents analyzing childhood maladies to their breaking up with boyfriends and girlfriends, sometimes quite publicly, have been accomplished on the Internet.


Each August since 1998, Beloit College has released the Beloit College Mindset List, providing a look at the cultural touchstones that shape the lives of students entering college this fall. The creation of Beloit’s former Public Affairs Director Ron Nief and Keefer Professor of the Humanities Tom McBride, it was originally created as a reminder to faculty to be aware of dated references, and quickly became a catalog of the rapidly changing worldview of each new generation. Mindset List websites at Beloit College and at mindsetmoment.com, the media site webcast and their Facebook page receive more than a million hits annually."

Here are a few of my faves from this year's list:

1. Ferris Bueller and Sloane Peterson could have been their parents. (Unbelievable!  I feel so old!)
2. River Phoenix, Frank Zappa,  and Andre the Giant have always been dead.
3. States (and velcro parents) have always been requiring that they wear their bike helmets.
4. The only significant labor disputes in their lifetimes have been in major league sports.
5. They "swipe" cards, not merchandise.
6. Their school's "blackboards" have always been getting smarter.
7. "Don't touch that dial!"... what dial?
8. Amazon has never been just a river in South America.
9. Refer to LBJ, and they might assume you're talking about LeBron James.
10. Life has always been like a box of chocolates.
11. "Yadda, yadda, yadda" has always come in handy to make long stories short!
12. Video games have always had ratings.
13. Women have always been kissing women on television.
14. Their older siblings have told them about the days when Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera were Mouseketeers.
15. Grown-ups have always been arguing about health care policy.
16. They're the first generation to grow up hearing about the dangerous overuse of antibiotics.
17. They've always wanted to be like Shaq or Kobe: Michael Who?
18. They've often broken up with their significant others via texting, Facebook or MySpace.
19. Women have never been too old to have children.
20. Frasier, Sam, Woody and Rebecca have never Cheerfully frequented a bar in Boston during primetime.

Love it!

Jace made the Tribe team!

His dad just texted me, and he has made the baseball team - so proud of him!  Tryouts were over a three week period, and he went to one of the early ones.  He pitched and batted at that one, and his dad felt he did pretty well, but was one of the smaller 13 year-olds, and it was some pretty fierce competition.  Jace wanted to attend the final tryout session this past weekend, and we drove back from Stockton on Saturday so he could do so.

The main guy organizing it came up to me after Saturday's tryout and told me that he was glad Jace had tried out again.  He said that  Jace was much stronger in fielding/throwing the ball than he had been in his first tryout, and that several of the coaches had commented on "the kid in the Orioles jersey"...

He's at the Y Teen program all day today, and I can't wait to see him tonight - he'll be so excited to hear he made the team.  Tonight is also 7th grade orientation for him - a big week.

A Showy Way of Going...

When I started uploading pictures for this post, it was 10 o'clock on Friday night, and all of the adults were sitting in the kitchen at my sister's house, while my brothers-in-law read aloud from the Craigslist ads in Stockton and other small towns... some of the descriptions are hilarious, grammatically and otherwise!  This was one of our favorites- this fella is very proud of his roosters!

Gorgeous Young Mottled Houdan Roosters - $5 (Stockton)

"I have several young 3 month old gorgeous showy Mottled Houdan roosters. They are striking looking! They are black and white with the big top hat and have a showy way of going. These photos show them a bit younger.

Pickup after 6 pm to allow them to get to quieted and cooled down and hopefully on their roosts. 7 pm might be better. You will need a good carry crate and cash. These guys have been treated as pets. Thank you. "


Some showy roosters, aren't they?


But back to the beginning of this weekend - Jace and I headed to Stockton Friday morning, to spend the weekend with my sister Susan, her family, and Tara/Luke and Isaac.   Ron and Susan bought a ski boat this spring, and we finally made it up for a weekend with them.   And what a fabulous time we had!  Thank you, Susan, Ron and boys, for a wonderful weekend!

We headed out to the marina Friday morning about 10:30; the sky was somewhat overcast, but the temps were still reasonably nice, in the upper 70s and low 80s.  A far cry from the 103 of last week, and very welcomed!  I forget how beautiful Stockton Lake is - of course I'm a huge fan of Tablerock Lake, but Stockton is even more peaceful - we were one of the only boats out on Friday.

Jace has been looking forward to our visit for the last couple of weeks; his cousin Landon has learned how to ski, and he has been anxious to learn.   The three boys started out on the tube on Friday, and Ron dragged them all over the lake!  

Lunch!

After eating some lunch, the sun came out and it was warm enough for the adults to enjoy the water. Luke, Ron and Susan all got out on their skis. Tara and I were so impressed that one of our siblings had the skills to get out there. We all three had a good chat about it - we think we could have actually been somewhat athletic, but we were never given the opportunity to develop our abilities... with six kids, our parents didn't have the time to haul around to practices, etc. so it just wasn't ever something that was encouraged.

Sisters!

Suz - showin' off her mad skills!

Luke got out as well, for the second time on Friday - he and Ron were out on the lake at 5:30 AM with Ron's boss.

Luke - he also had a showy way of going...

Ron goes out with his boss and others fairly often in the summer, in the mornings, and he was awesome on the skis - up on just one ski:

Ron - I'm so impressed!

Jace got up on skis his first try, with some pre-ski coaching from his uncles;  he did great!   He went again Saturday, and crossed outside the wake a few times as well.  He's hooked, and already asking when we can come back and go out on the boat again.

Our little guy, Ike, had a great time watching everyone get out on the skis and tube - the first time his dad got out on the skis and wiped out, Isaac burst out in tears!  But once he saw Luke was ok, he enjoyed the show.



Naptime - heading home




Me & Tara on the tube

After coming in off the lake, the guys put the boat away and fired up the grill for some burgers, french fries deep-fried zucchini, and more.  For dessert we had an early birthday party for Jace, he's geting ready to be a teenager... hard to believe!  His birthday is at the end of summer every year, and it is always hard to have any kind of party, since he and friends don't stay in touch as much over the summer.

Jace was very surprised, and it was special to celebrate this milestone birthday with our family.   He had a great time with his cousins, playing on the lake, the Wii, XBox, Legos and more- even though we only live an hour apart, we just don't get together as much as we should.

Now it is Sunday morning, and we're relaxing with coffee in Susan and Ron's kitchen, and just enjoying the morning before we all head home and start getting ready for the work week.  One of the best things in my life is my family, and times like these are the ones that the kids, and adults, will remember.  A big THANK YOU to Suz and Ron for everything!

Baby Steps

I set a new record this morning – met my friend Stephanie at 5:45AM for our weekend walk. Of course I’ve been up that early many times on the weekends, but the earliest we ever walk is 6:30 AM. It was still 80 degrees and very muggy this morning, even at that early hour. Steph is starting a new job with the health system where I work, and had to be at orientation by 8:30. So we met early to walk our five miles, and I still have the whole day ahead of me to do all the other weekend things that need to be done.

I’m enjoying my coffee and a little Ray LaMontagne on Pandora, which I just discovered - didn’t even know I had this option on our Blu-Ray DVD player until about two weeks ago… all the music I could ever want! Jace just left to go practice some hitting and fielding with his dad for a hour or so, with junior high baseball tryouts coming up next weekend.

It has, overall, been a good week – a couple of hard days, and some ups and downs in my emotions. I really don’t doubt-logically- that this is the right thing for me, and for us. But it still is hard, when you’ve been with someone for five years. I was accustomed to emailing, texting, talking to Dave at night, even when he was gone during the week. Now there are many nights that I have had a frustrating day at work or I think of something, and then I suddenly realize that I won’t be calling him to tell him about it.

Even with these feelings, I do know that I will get through this, and I will be okay! Although, as a friend of mine said this week – “It is okay to NOT be okay, for awhile.” And I have to remember that. I have a tendency to want to be strong, and be okay NOW – I think what I’m learning, or trying to, is to give myself permission to just feel what I’m feeling… I need to just be “not okay” for awhile, and really work through this, and let myself heal.

“I have a plan for you… Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11

I have this verse taped on my computer monitor at work, as a reminder … No, this absolutely isn’t what I had planned for my life – I didn’t want to be getting divorced again, at 40. When I think about that, it is such a blow – to my pride, to my confidence, and more. But I have to remember that God has a plan for me, and I have to continue to be open to it.

I had a great conversation about this with my friend Laura on the way to and from Kansas City last weekend.  In addition to being lots of fun to spend time with, she also has a very strong faith; we've had some great talks about God, life, etc., over the past couple of years.   We talked last weekend about the "little things" that happen in your life - it is easy to chalk these up to coincidence, but as a Christian, I've slowly realized over the last couple of years that the more I'm open to God working in my life, the more I see little- and big- things that show me He is at work.  

I've been praying, and I know God has been with me over the past several weeks - but I haven't actually been to church since Dave left.  I love the contemporary service at my church, and the music is so often what speaks to me - sometimes it is just what I need to hear, for whatever is going on in my life.  But with everything that has happened, I knew that it would be very hard to go, and that I would be very emotional, and just wasn't ready to do that the last several Sundays.  But I am now, and am looking forward to going tomorrow morning.    That makes me think about one of my favorite movies - "What About Bob?" with Bill Murray... " ...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.... AHHHH!"


I'm taking some "baby steps" here, and it is feeling good.... baby steps...  It is okay to NOT be okay. 

Well, coffee cup is empty and my "To Do" list is beckoning... Heading to the lake tonight for dinner at Fish Tales with Gail and Jace - will be good to catch up with Jana and Chris; and then grilling out with friends tomorrow night.