Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Bittersweet

Today we filed for divorce. It is a bittersweet thing; I am obviously very sad about it, when I look back at all the good times and the memories. And there were a lot of good times, over the three years we were together. But the past two months have given me some distance and ability to look at the relationship, and I think this is the right thing for both of us.

I am the kind of person who will take things for a very long time... that's what I did in my first marriage, for the last three years of it. That's what I did in a job that was very stressful and difficult for the entire five years I worked there. And that's what I did with D - so much of my time over the last six months was spent worrying about every little thing that might upset him. And many of them were really little things, in the scheme of it all. And even though I tried to really work on those things that upset him, it was never enough. He actually would tell me that I wasn't trying at all. Talk about a demotivator. But I continued to try, even with things as difficult as they could be at times. That's just me. The situation can be bad and I just continue to persevere, until I reach a point that I am done. And at that point, I am DONE-- there is no changing my mind. D's decision helped to make up my mind, and I am not willing to go back. I realize that is a fault on my part, that I can make that decision and not look back, but it is just how I deal with things. It takes me a long time to get to that point, but once I'm there, I'm there.

I know he has been very emotional the last couple of weeks, about me "moving on" as he is calling it. (Hello, you tell me on Christmas Day that you want a divorce?? What the hell do you WANT me to do!? -- Ok, little venting there.) He has been regretting that decision, and has made overtures about reconciliation. However, I am unwilling to do that. The trust is no longer there, even though I have loved him and didn't want us to split up. He is a good person, but I know that the same issues that caused him to be so unhappy in our marriage would be back again in six months.

So, we met today to sign papers, to start the process. In 30 days he will recieve the papers back from the judge, and it will be final. He came by this afternoon while I was at work to move the remaining things out of my house, and we talked on the phone briefly. He said to tell Jace goodbye, and that he gave the doggies a hug. I told him earlier today that he didn't need to move things out immediately, but he feels it is better this way. And I'm sure he is right. We will both move on with our lives and we will hopefully in time be in contact again, and be friends. And hopefully we will both have learned some things about ourselves from all of this.

5 comments:

Lenette said...

Christmas Day? That's just WRONG. Stay strong.

Rob said...

Makes me sad to read this. Sad for the outcome and the emotions you must be feeling. I can't imagine.

We saw a movie over the weekend called "Fireproof". It's worth renting. It's about a couple in the middle of a divorce, but the husband is trying to make amends. No Oscar performances but it felt real. Like the main characters could be friends of ours, or even us. It's got me thinking about what I can do (and need to do) to make our marriage stronger.

If there's anything I can do to help you, please let me know.

Lucas said...

I'm actually so proud of you Nancy. Self examination that results in personal growth is very difficult but is so worthwhile. I am thrilled for you to come to the realization that you take things for too long. I don't know you well enough to have seen that for myself, but as someone else who is also going through a lot of personal growth, I am just excited for you. Yes, a marriage has ended and that is a sad thing, but learning from it and moving on is the very best outcome you can hope for. You sound strong. You sound healthy. And I am so very proud to have you as my friend. :)

Tara said...

I'm really proud of you Nance! I'm so glad you are able to take this experience and use it to learn about yourself. I'm very glad that you now know you take things for too long. I've seen that in you and now I'm glad you do too.

I'm also really proud of you that you are standing strong on your decision for it to be over.

I love you Nancy!!

stephhaase said...

Thinking about you today. You are a strong, beautiful woman. You will only be better for the things you've learned.