Monday, July 18, 2011

- Life doesn't always turn out like you plan... but don't the best things in life sometimes happen when (& how) you least expect them?  "Heart of Life" has been one of my favorite songs (John Mayer, Continuum) of the last few years; has always reminded me that even when things are difficult, life IS still good. -

I started this blog when Dave and I separated 2.5 years ago, and wrote the words above back then...  Now life has taken another turn, and not one I wanted or even expected, until recently.   After almost four years of marriage (this Thursday is our fourth anniversary) we have said our goodbyes, and Dave is moving on, and I'm sure eventually to Florida.   He has said several times in the past few weeks that we are just in different places in our lives- I want to be respectful of him, so I won't go into all of it on here.  But suffice it to say that he truly does not want to live here in Missouri any longer; and I am here, and happy about it, for the next 6+ years, until Jace grows up.  And, I need more than a relationship with him that is lived out in two different states over the next several years.  So, I guess we really are in different places in our lives.   For those of you that know Dave, he is an amazing person in so many, many ways; but some of the very things that I love about him most - his drive, his energy, and just his personality in general - are also the very things that keep him moving, and searching. 

It was two weeks ago today that he moved out, and headed to Dallas,where he's been working during the week for the past six months.  It has been really hard, of course, but I'm dealing with it so differently than I did 2.5 years ago.  I've written a few times on here over the past couple of years about the fact that I've changed more during this time frame than any other time in my life.  Part of that was in my marriage, but part of it was me, as an individual - I know I've grown as a person and in my faith in God, and have a strength- and a sense of peace - that I haven't known before.

He came back into town this past weekend, and we met yesterday for coffee, and talked about the finances and other things that need to be settled.  It was hard for both of us, and I won't lie - part of me is so angry at times, and wonders how he can love me (which I do not doubt), but yet not enough to be willing to stay with me here any longer.  But that is one of the differences between us, and one that he may someday regret.  For me, this goodbye will be final; I can't go back again, even if he realizes in two or three weeks or months that he was wrong.  So I will move on, and start to heal, with Jace and my family and friends.  I don't regret the time I've spent with Dave, or reconciling with him a couple of years ago.  It has been a wonderful time in my life, and I have made so many friends, AND a wonderful stepdaughter and stepson, who will still be in my life.  

It feels good to be able to write this tonight, and know that I am able to do this, and will be okay.


Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you. You are a strong, amazing woman, and you will be fine! Your attitude is admirable.

Anonymous said...

We love you and will always be here for you. -Bealors

Lucas said...

Class, dignity and grace surround you my dear. As do strength, love and support. You are amazing and I'm so very proud of you. :) The garden is available to you anytime you wish to visit. Love you.

Steph said...

Your faith runs deep, and is inspiring to see. I love you!

Leslie said...

Nance, I am praying for you. I've always admired you for so many reasons. You are an amazing person.