I set a new record this morning – met my friend Stephanie at 5:45AM for our weekend walk. Of course I’ve been up that early many times on the weekends, but the earliest we ever walk is 6:30 AM. It was still 80 degrees and very muggy this morning, even at that early hour. Steph is starting a new job with the health system where I work, and had to be at orientation by 8:30. So we met early to walk our five miles, and I still have the whole day ahead of me to do all the other weekend things that need to be done.
I’m enjoying my coffee and a little Ray LaMontagne on Pandora, which I just discovered - didn’t even know I had this option on our Blu-Ray DVD player until about two weeks ago… all the music I could ever want! Jace just left to go practice some hitting and fielding with his dad for a hour or so, with junior high baseball tryouts coming up next weekend.
It has, overall, been a good week – a couple of hard days, and some ups and downs in my emotions. I really don’t doubt-logically- that this is the right thing for me, and for us. But it still is hard, when you’ve been with someone for five years. I was accustomed to emailing, texting, talking to Dave at night, even when he was gone during the week. Now there are many nights that I have had a frustrating day at work or I think of something, and then I suddenly realize that I won’t be calling him to tell him about it.
Even with these feelings, I do know that I will get through this, and I will be okay! Although, as a friend of mine said this week – “It is okay to NOT be okay, for awhile.” And I have to remember that. I have a tendency to want to be strong, and be okay NOW – I think what I’m learning, or trying to, is to give myself permission to just feel what I’m feeling… I need to just be “not okay” for awhile, and really work through this, and let myself heal.
“I have a plan for you… Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” - Jeremiah 29:11
I have this verse taped on my computer monitor at work, as a reminder … No, this absolutely isn’t what I had planned for my life – I didn’t want to be getting divorced again, at 40. When I think about that, it is such a blow – to my pride, to my confidence, and more. But I have to remember that God has a plan for me, and I have to continue to be open to it.
I had a great conversation about this with my friend Laura on the way to and from Kansas City last weekend. In addition to being lots of fun to spend time with, she also has a very strong faith; we've had some great talks about God, life, etc., over the past couple of years. We talked last weekend about the "little things" that happen in your life - it is easy to chalk these up to coincidence, but as a Christian, I've slowly realized over the last couple of years that the more I'm open to God working in my life, the more I see little- and big- things that show me He is at work.
I've been praying, and I know God has been with me over the past several weeks - but I haven't actually been to church since Dave left. I love the contemporary service at my church, and the music is so often what speaks to me - sometimes it is just what I need to hear, for whatever is going on in my life. But with everything that has happened, I knew that it would be very hard to go, and that I would be very emotional, and just wasn't ready to do that the last several Sundays. But I am now, and am looking forward to going tomorrow morning. That makes me think about one of my favorite movies - "What About Bob?" with Bill Murray... " ...baby step onto the elevator... baby step into the elevator... I'm *in* the elevator.... AHHHH!"
I'm taking some "baby steps" here, and it is feeling good.... baby steps... It is okay to NOT be okay.
Well, coffee cup is empty and my "To Do" list is beckoning... Heading to the lake tonight for dinner at Fish Tales with Gail and Jace - will be good to catch up with Jana and Chris; and then grilling out with friends tomorrow night.